Friday, March 13, 2009

Product Review: Udderly Smooth: Fine Lotion, but DO NOT USE IT AS CHAMOIS CREME

Udderly Smooth is that cute lotion that markets itself as a Bag Balm for the non-Vermonter. In recent years, it has been showing up in bike shops, as free samples at races and online as a chamois creme. At some race last season I raided a swag table for as many samples as my pockets could hold, only to be disappointed in the product.

Yesterday, I thoroughly lubed up my undercarriage with Udderly Smooth before a three hour ride. Since I have an abundance of product, I applied the lotion more liberally than I normally would. When I first pulled my shorts up into the greased underside, my taint felt cold and wet, as if I had an accident. I was immediately put off and nearly changed my clothes. But since I had committed to providing this service to my readers, I soldiered on.

Initially on the bike, I didn't notice anything. I assume that all of the lotion soaked in rather quickly.

After an hour or so, about the time that I start getting slightly uncomfortable if my shorts are not loaded up, I felt as if I had forgotten to lube. I spent the rest of the ride shifting around in my saddle, getting out of the saddle and readjusting my chamois. While I didn't end up with a saddle sore, I also was not very comfortable. Sure, I overcame the discomfort, but that's not how I want my grundle to feel on a ride.

When I got home, there was no evidence of the Udderly Smooth anywhere on my person or in my shorts. Normally with Assos, even after 6 hours in the saddle, there is a greasy taint mark on the chamois indicating that the chamois creme is present and actively protecting you.

There are main three reasons that Udderly Smooth is unacceptable for use as chamois creme:

Viscosity. Udderly smooth is too thin. It soaks into the chamois or skin. Sure it moisturizes, but it does not leave a lasting layer of fiction protection. When I use this product as lotion, I find that it is entirely soaked into my skin after 3 minutes, leaving behind little to no residue. Good lotion, zero protection.

Scent. Subtle lotion smell. Pleasant. It smells great for lotion, but I expect chamois creme to have a menthol aroma.

Anti Bacterial Qualities. There is nothing on the label to indicate that Udderly Smooth has any anti-bacterial agents. No menthol. When you apply this lotion, there is no tingle.

Conclusion. Udderly Smooth is a fine product when used as originally intended: as a lotion for moisturizing skin. It lacks all of the qualities of a fine chamois creme. I hope that you don't waste you money on this. Secondly, I definitely hope that you don't make the mistake of using this during an epic ride.


CCC said...

This post and accompanying pics is all sorts of wrong. Anxious to see the comments ;)

Scarred for life said...

For the love of god, please never again refer to "loaded up" shorts or "greasy taint marks."

Colin R said...

post needs taint pix asap

gus c said...

dear McCrayzee:

do not bash the udder butter, man. i love that stuff. for the working un-hipster roadie, this is a great way to keep the taint fresh and delish, especially as it comes in small packets. of course, they're not the chi-chi stuff, but they sure do the job for your odd 2hrs jaunt after work. or wompie. or short races. as a matter of fact, i'd like to take this opportunity to suggest a test with one of the best joe-racer-style chammy cream ever: CVS branded eucerin. that sucker comes in a 500ml vat, helps all sorts of taint issues, never comes off and works well in either summer or winter. You'd be CRAZY not to try it. wait, nevermind.